2 years of motherhood, what I’ve learned so far

It would be hard to explain what it’s like being a mother if you’ve never experienced parenting. Imagine  your heart growing 3 sizes. And that child of yours carries your heart. Like when they fall, your heart falls, when they cry your heart cries when they laugh your heart laughs. It’s the most out of body experience I’ve ever had. My heart is full of love and at any minute I could fall into a puddle of tears. It’s crazy.

But I wanted to write this post because I wanted to reflect on everything I’ve learned in these last 2 years. My son will be 2 in just a matter of weeks and it’s all I can think about lately. Some of the things I’ve learned are specific to my son. His quirks, his likes, some are about parenting and a thing or two he’s taught me about myself. It’s the best I can do to explain to you what it’s like to become a mom.

Isaiah, I’ve learned that …..

  1. That my fear that you would be a sad kid because I was always sad was all worrying for nothing, you child, are happy
  2. But I’ve learned to push myself to find my happy, you deserve a happy childhood and I can only provide that by being ok myself
  3. My heart holds infinite love for you
  4. That your birth would give me the happiest feeling in the world. I was walking on clouds after you were born. When you laugh or accomplish something new my heart goes back to that feeling
  5. I didn’t know I would have to learn how to suppress how much I love you sometimes just so I can get through the day. Some days I just want to stay and cuddle with you too
  6. You make me want to be the best version of myself
  7. The magic of holidays, vacations, and birthdays takes a lot of planning, cheerful spirit, and pushing back negativity
  8. I’m grateful I have a job I can spend Christmas and Thanksgiving with you now
  9. That I become a puddle of tears when I hear of a tragedy involving children. EVERYTIME. I think if that happened to you I wouldn’t be able to bare the pain and I think of that child’s parents, and lose it.
  10. I oddly find immense joy in being able to prepare something that you want to eat and knowing that it’s good for you
  11. I want you to see me being active. We run, we take walks, we kick balls, so that you can learn how this can be a part of your lifestyle
  12. I will always fear that I’ve forever altered your life course, or that I’m not doing enough, or that I’m not on the right path, it’s about learning to squash those fears and trust I’m doing the right thing
  13. Your potential is more important than my dreams. Our stability is more important than chasing “fulfillment”
  14. No one will ever be as happy to see me as you are when I get home from work. Your hug every day erases whatever happened that day
  15. That you are fiercely independent. I have to learn how to give you the reigns every once in a while
  16. And you’re also highly opinionated about your wardrobe options
  17. That you have a big heart. Somehow I forgot I had one too
  18. That you are also a huge flirt
  19. Boy do you have a lot of energy. Outside has become our best friend, and any place or occasion that requires us to spend a lot of time sitting down is hard on both of us
  20. That researching things to do on a bad weather day and having a rotation of options keeps us sane
  21. That you are a very good dancer. You feel the music in your soul
  22. You’re also very good with names, you encourage me to be better about it
  23. I won’t eat anything I don’t want you to eat, so I’ve never been healthier
  24. I also censor what I watch and listen to around you, it protects my thoughts too
  25. That you think your grandma and I are fighting but we just talk loudly
  26. And you will scream to get us to stop
  27. And then I remind you that we’re just talking and give you a kiss
  28. But I think it’s so cute
  29. That if it’s white, it WILL get dirty
  30. How it broke my heart the first time you called me “papa”
  31. And how I stopped caring after because sometimes I am
  32. You wake up most days with a smile and say “Mami!” once you see me, when you don’t, I know you don’t feel well
  33. That by waking earlier than you or with you is the difference between frazzled Karina and got everything under control Karina
  34. That you’re a late bloomer but you have talents others don’t yet (that rhythm)
  35. That you love trying on all different kinds of shoes and hats
  36. How the first time you reached for my hand to help you get down from something how good it felt to know that you knew I’d be there for you
  37. How I find it so cute that you try to “ride” the 2 inch toy pony
  38. How easy it is to entertain you if we have some water and balloons
  39. That it puts my heart at ease when someone you love, loves you back and shows it
  40. But that it also hurts to see someone reject your love
  41. Somehow you decided you like spicy things
  42. That your favorite music is Banda, Salsa, Cumbia and Cepellin (not in that order)
  43. That you want to do everything the big kids do
  44. And that I have to let you grow up even when I don’t think you’re ready for certain things
  45. That you can be shy and friendly, those attributes are not mutually exclusive
  46. That this parenting and growing up process is very adaptive. The parent I was when you were a newborn is not the parent you need during your toddler years. And I’ll have to keep adapting
  47. I have to be strong physically for you. These last 2 years have been havoc for my neck, shoulders, legs and back. Guess what I focus on when I go to the gym
  48. That I can still be me and be your mom. Like exercising, I bring you into parts of my life.
  49. But that’s it’s also ok to step away by myself for a while and reenergize (and you get one on one time with someone whose probably been wanting to see you more)

I could go on and on an on. I love my little boy. And I love seeing him grow his own personality and his own interests. As I’m planning his 2nd birthday party I get excited about how happy he’s going to be during that afternoon. He won’t remember but he will know how loved he is. And that’s #50

50. You teach me to live in the moment. To not dwell on yesterday or worry excessively about tomorrow. We have each other right now and that’s all you and I need

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