There is an undeniable panic I feel.
My throat tightens, my appetite lessens, my heart pounds.
This constant state of stress.
It’s also mental.
My brain gets fuzzy. My thoughts kind of blur and rush through my prefrontal cortex like a loose kite on a windy day.
The feeling of this is the best I have to give and it’s not much is the basis for much of my anxiety.
Don’t even give me the “but you’re only 20 something” crap. You could say that if I felt I was learning, if I felt my contribution to this society mattered, if I was progressing towards a goal. But that’s not the case. I feel trapped. I feel stuck.
I don’t know where to go from here.
I used to always know. Every setback I somehow found a way to get back on course and double down towards my true north. I don’t have a true north right now. I’m grasping at straws trying to not let my thoughts overwhelm me.
I am not the type of person who just coasts. I have to have goals, those goals push me. They push me to speak in public, to go places I’m afraid to, to meet new people. Because those things are all a means to an end. But right now I don’t have a goal, just to take it day by day. And the day by day is pure drudgery.
I sound like a miserable low life. I am a pretty crappy person. I have not been forced out of my home, or lost a job, or lost a family member, or lost my health or been persecuted. They have reasons to feel dread and panic.
So I know me complaining makes me a pretty crappy person. That doesn’t change the thoughts I have to constantly fight off.
The other day I took a drive through town, played my son’s sleep playlist and without warning started balling. Tears. Ugly tears. Who does this? Who doesn’t know how to stop themselves from getting this bad? How did I let myself get here again?
I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing. I sought out help, I try to maintain friendships, I’m exercising, I have a full time job, I get out of the house, I have more patience with my son. And yet here I am, maybe not November 2013 or December 2015 bad but it’s pretty close.
I’m out of answers and solutions.
And so I just feel tired and panicked that this is how I am going to feel for the remainder of my years. This is a horrible way to move through life.
The best I’ve got isn’t all that much.