I hope the sunshine burns my cloud

 

Healing can’t happen in a vortex.

You can’t step away from real life and give yourself space to mend and grow.

There are people depending on me, there is a future I have to keep pushing towards.

Sometimes I forget this.

And I want to let the anxiety, the depression, my worries, my failures, my fears overwhelm me.

I stop taking care of myself.

My internal dialogue gets toxic.

I don’t care about what I look like when I walk out into the morning

I isolate

I lose interests in hobbies

I don’t care what I put into my body

I lose sleep

I don’t care about the thoughts I let dwell in my head

It’s times like those that I feel heavy. Times when I don’t even feel like trying

Usually something snaps me back, forces me to start working on it again, to not give up

Today that was realizing that whether I intended it to or not my lack of positivity, my lack of self esteem, my lack of motivation it effects those around me.

It effects my relationships

It pushes people away

Or it hurts people by not truly being able to be a welcoming soul for them

And what really got me thinking is that it might send the wrong type of message to those brains so young that are still forming

I have a son.

But I also have a niece and a nephew

And my relationship with them however small can impact how they see the world and a woman’s place in it

My niece is already showing she’s conscious of what others think of her.

And the impact I have on my son is something no one can deny.

Sometimes I’m naive enough to think that no one can see what I’m feeling inside.

But kids are receptive.

They’re more in tune than we give them credit for.

I thought long and hard before I had my son about what things I wanted to teach him, reinforce throughout his life. A true north in a way. I pray I’m able to teach him these traits, I pray I exhibit them, I pray that I am the parent he needs. I narrowed the traits down to 6:

Courage

Humility

Wisdom

Independence

Kindness

Strength

I can’t exhibit these and teach these traits if I’m constantly struggling with the last one. Strength to endure. Strength to see something through. Strength to remain positive. I will probably always struggle with depression and anxiety. But I can’t allow myself to give up. I have to find a way to bring positivity to their day because when you’re a parent and when you’re around young minds your cloud doesn’t effect just you. That cloud can cover up the rays of sunshine that emit from their little bodies. And I won’t let my cloud bring anyone else down.

Photo credit: kynbit via Visual Hunt / CC BY

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