I’m annoyed with myself

I don’t like the type of parent I’m becoming.

The type of parent that disciplines and scolds and is constantly correcting bad actions.

I’m not saying parents shouldn’t do that. Parents need to do that. Its part of what parenting is. 

But I’m correcting, and disciplining and scolding that it’s the only thing I’m doing.

You don’t want to nap? 

Fine. You can stay in your crib and rest while I go do the million other chores I need to get done.

Start the tears and whines.

You’re gonna throw all your food because you want dessert?

Fine no dessert, no food and you’re getting off the chair.

More tears, more whines.

You’re gonna start a tantrum because I took away the toy you just chucked across the room? 

Too bad.

There’s only scolding and nagging and none of the loving nurturing parts that I tenderly remember the first year being.

I’m becoming the type of parent where attitude and tiredness drip out from my requests and corrections that I’m annoyed with myself.

I was so focused on reprimanding and fixing that when my son hugged his prima after she hurt herself on the fence so she would feel better I totally missed it. The entire tenderness of that moment ruined by my bad mood.

Is the parent I’m going to be now? 

If it is I don’t like me very much.

I’m struggling figuring out the balance of discipline but not diminishing self worth. Nurturing but not coddoling. Parenting but not totally losing myself.

They say children are forgiving and they give you infinite opportunities to redeem yourself and try a different parenting approach better the next time around.

But the only way I’m going to stop being so annoyed with myself is figuring out how I got here in the first place.

But right now I don’t have the answer just that I feel like a crap parent and like a crap person. Stay tuned to see how I turn it around. 

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