I was having this conversation with someone this weekend. How I wish I could adopt a grandparent and ask him or her the meaning of life and how to go forth.
My maternal grandfather died on my birthday years before I was born.
My paternal grandparents died within a few years of eachother during my adolescent years.
My maternal grandmother passed away a little after I turned 16.
I wish I could say I had enough years to learn from them but living in an entirely different country made it difficult to have any relationship with them. My memories of them are short, vague and sometimes comical like the time I learned how you actually prepare a chicken for caldo. (Hint: there’s some chasing, snapping, plucking and pulling involved).
So all that elderly wisdom that could have been pivotal a few times is missing from the play score that is my life.
So like with anything else I went to the internet to read about people’s regrets in life who are in old age. Because really what’s more accurate and informational than the web? Exactly, NOTHING. (Insert sarcastic voice)
I can’t say with certainty what I’m looking for but anything would be better than this deafning silence.
A friend sent me a video this weekend. It’s a clip talking about letting people go who want to be let go and holding steadfast to those that are roots that proove they don’t want to go anywhere. She then followed up by saying she considered me a root. Bring on the tears.
In the video which is actually just Madea in a monologue for 10 minutes, she says that people are too focused on finding the “one”. She comically says to be patient and to work on ourselves.
That one hit a hard cord.
I am that person who is grasping at straws when it comes to relationships. Constantly falling head over heels, each time thinking “this is gonna be the one”. At least I was. At some point I just settled into the thought process that not everyone is meant to find hapiness in a partner. And that I am one of those people.
I look at what I do know about my grandparents relationship and my own parents and I realize just because you found someone that is willing to stay with you forever doesn’t mean you’re happy together. And I look at the relationships I know and I don’t see anything in their relationships that I would want for myself with someone else.
I’m hella cynical.
Madea, thankfully offered some advice: “work on yourself”
But when Madea was speaking to me I wanted to say “But Madea I have been”
I’ve never been so focused on my health, physical and mental, than any other time.
I’m doing something about the passion I have for writing and trying to be constructive about it.
I’m trying to find time for me and growing and learning.
I’m trying to not fuck shit up because I’m especially good at that it seems.
I’ve been focusing on being a better person and I still have no clue what to do about my life. I have an idea of the person I want to be but I really have no idea how to get there.
Like how to forgive others. That’s a big one I don’t know how to do.
Or how to be less prideful. Not so quick to anger. Or how to worry less about what people think. Or how to worry less in general.
Or how about how to be a better friend, or more generous, more social, or to find the ambition I lost.
Do I need to keep spelling out my flaws here? I have no clue how I take baby steps towards those things. There isn’t a manual.
So future adopted grandparents any wisdom you can pass down I am receiving it with open arms.
Because it’s clear that I know little about anything. Please and thank you.