I can miss you without actually wanting to be with you

If you’ve been following along on the Karina saga, you know that I have started to see a counselor (who I just discovered is actually a psychologist but he doesn’t use titles like that so he’s my peoples). I could sing praises of him because he’s given me very actionable items to combat my depression, anxiety and a lot of my self hate. It’s not a magic pill and not everyone is receptive to actions over listening therapy but for me it’s what’s resonated the most.

He asked me have you had any dark thoughts lately?

I stopped and thought about it for a minute. “No” I responded “but I have had another thought that keeps coming up and it bothers and worries me”.

I explained that no matter how busy I’ve kept myself, how many positive affirmations I’ve given myself or how many social interactions I’ve had with people that I can’t get one person in particular out of my head. That I’ve actually missed this person even though at a certain level I understand I need to run as far away as I can from him.

You see when I was dating this person I didn’t feel respected, I didn’t feel like my voice mattered, I felt belittled and I felt scarred for my future. I was lied to constantly and I knew that my worth as a human being didn’t matter to this person by the way I was treated. Going back to that vulnerable place I was is in scares my very core.

And then there were times I laughed with this person, fun memories I had. And lately I’ve been remembering the good memories more often. Although there were more bad times than good I’m resurfacing all of the good. And that thought scares me and it frustrates me to the point of tears. I made a very difficult decision to leave that relationship and instead of being able to move forward it’s like I’m back peddling.

So I brought this up. And my psychologist (makes me sound fancy like I have big bucks but really I have an awesome insurance and employer benefits) bless his heart gave me something that I haven’t been able to do.

I don’t have to entertain that thought. I know that the decision I made was for my well being, and it’s human to miss the good parts of the relationship. Things are not black and white. People aren’t all evil or all good. And that relationship wasn’t good for me and he didn’t treat me with respect but that doesn’t necessarily mean he is the scum of the earth. So the good memories that come up I can just put them aside and decide not to entertain them.

Which to you it sounds obvious. But to me hearing someone tell me that I’m not broken because I’ve had all those memories resurface and that a have a tool kit to be able to work through those emotions is a godsend. So taking his advice I wrote out all the reasons again why I left that relationship and every time I hear a song that brings back a good memory for example I don’t have to associate that good feeling with him. I can just associate that memory with a good time and move on.

Which is easier said than done. But I just have to remind myself everyday. Step by step.


Photo via Visual hunt

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