Breaking my heart

I want everyone to love my son. I want everyone to love him as much as I do. So if you’ve never had a child and you’ve never had someone reject your child you can’t imagine how immensely painful it is. It’s more than having your child called ugly. It’s like the rejection of your child  is cutting knives into your very being. Imagine your worst break up multiplied by 20.

When they’re very little all you see is perfection so you can’t imagine how someone could hate a small creature.

As they get older and start to cause havoc you may start to understand why people don’t want to be around your kid. It starts with the older kids who don’t want to play with or share toys with the little one because they throw and break everything. And then it’s the adults who want you to keep your child quiet and well behaved before they understand what well behaved means.

And then your not even 2 year old slaps you so hard it takes all of your restrain not to yell. You tell him no, you put him down and you say that hurts mami. And he’ll do it again. And again. And again. And you repeat your discipline tactics without much progress.

But what tears your heart apart the most is when someone else tells you about your child. When someone else says he hit them, he was giving them a hard time, and that he’s still not adjusting. You’re embarrassed, frustrated and worried.

Because it’s one thing if I bear the lashing out of his little body because he can’t communicate what he wants or tries and I don’t understand him. But it’s a whole other if someone else is at the receiving end of his frustration.

Sometimes I worry too about how much he’ll become like me. Will he suffer with anxiety and depression? Will he have a healthy social life? Will he eat vegetables and brush his teeth and get enough sleep? Will someone try to reject what he’s feeling and telling him it’s not true? And will he be equipped to not let that phase him? How am I suppose to model and teach him how to become a great man if I’m having a hard time with being a good enough person.

I look at him and all the joy that radiates out of him and it breaks my heart that very few people in “my circle” care to share that happiness with him. I’m an over sharer by impulse but there are moments I selfishly keep to myself because if no one bothers to ask, I’m not going to be the one to give that piece of his sunshine away.

I have to do better as a parent and step up and vouch for him when no one will. It’s not something I inherently knew parents should do for their children because its not something I saw modeled for myself.

I have to do better as a person and know what kind of help I need to seek. Dealing with chronic stress is not a noble cause. You don’t achieve anything from stressing so much to the point that you render yourself useless to the number one person who needs you the most.

And I have to learn to accept that I will continue to experience heart break. Because that process acts as a catalyst for change. One day I may even learn how to gracefully heal from a broken heart.

Photo credit: bored-now via / CC BY-NC-ND

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