I was going to write a post on how depression messes with your brain. How it distorts your point of view on the world. Most of all I was going to write how the fight against depression is a life long battle and just thinking positive thoughts, taking medication or having events that momentarily bring happiness alone are not enough to get you out of it. I was going to write that all the research done on it helps me understand that I’m not alone. But today is not the day that I’m feeling on top of it all. I feel defeated,unaccomplished and without hope. I feel not enough and all too much all at the same time.
Distractions are usually good ways to shove those thoughts away from the fore front of my mind. But it’s in the moments that I’m alone without a task at hand that the cripling thoughts return. I wish I could pinpoint the moment where there were more sad thoughts than there were happy. To be able to label 1 event as the cause of so much internal turmoil.
But the truth is I remember being 14 and feeling this sad. I remember being 10 and feeling hopeless and crying out for help. I remember feeling numb to feelings, not being able to show excitement for the good things that happened or sadness after significantly tragic events.
And then there were a few years of ignorant bliss. I left to college and left all the problems that had followed me to that point at home and went on to build a new life.
At least that was my plan. But I learned the hard way that running away from a place to get away from emotions associated there isn’t the magical fix it seems to be.
So here I am sitting, trying to figure out how to be a good mom, how to get my career on track and how to stop feeling like an overall disappointment. And I don’t have an answer. All I know is that tomorrow I will try again.
Photo courtesy of my cousin Vero Lopez