Self- Doubt

I’ve gotten a lot of side eye action from well everywhere lately. Normally I might just blow it off, but increasingly my need for reassurance that I’m doing the right thing has been exponentionally high.

There’s a phrase, baptism by fire. It means you learn the hard way. Usually because you get thrown into something new and you make many mistakes and learn from them. If I had to choose a way to describe my 24 years of life so far I would definitely choose baptism by fire.

When I learned not to lie after I tried convincing my parents that my 2 year old sister drew her name on the wall to learning that I’m prone to locking my keys in the truck when I’m weighing hefty decisions, to some lessons that are harder to swallow.

And after so many mistakes you learn to trust your instinct, but I’m not there yet. I’m still trying to figure out if my instinct is worth trusting. See there were times I was convinced of doing something a certain way that it would work out well for me and I crashed and burned. And when you’re carefree crashing and burning is good because it gives you somewhere to build up from.

But at a certain point you can’t crash and burn anymore. You want to tread carefully because you’re damn near rock bottom and contrary to popular belief, there is more down you can go once you hit rock bottom. It’s the core of the earth, it’s fiery, hot, and nothing survives there. You don’t want to go there, trust me.

So when you’re scarred of hitting the bottom you start seeking validation from somewhere that you’re making the right choice. And sometimes when you look for that reassurance, it’s not there.
Photo via Visual hunt

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